PS

This may be TMI but... I pulled my pants up and down without unbuttoning them today! That is my gauge on doing well. When I am losing they slide up or down without the aid of the button. If I am staying/gaining I must button/unbutton.

YAY!

URG!!!!!!

I have been stressing a lot lately. That means I have been stress eating a lot lately. I have been sad a lot lately. That means I have been emotionally eating. A few good things have happened lately, which means I have been celebrating lately.

These are things I need to work on getting in check. A cookie may make me feel better for that moment, but will not in the long run. Actually, that damn cookie winds up causing me more stress and sadness down the road. And whatever I am celebrating tends to be overshadowed by the "Uh, I am not fitting into anything and have nothing to wear" feeling.

I have been getting myself ready to start doing the South Beach Diet. It may sound weird to have to get yourself "ready". But, there are so many things I need to start incorporating in, and just as many that I need to take out, of my diet at first that it actually takes some planning. Sitting down and making a menu for the first two weeks (a throwback to my mom!) was fun and exciting and actually got me pumped to start. However, I have this stupid mindset that I MUST get rid of. It keeps telling me (especially when we go out) "Oh, well eat what you want now because the diet starts on Sunday!" Why do I sabotage myself like that? Why give myself more work to do.

And that makes me sad too... Think I'll have... A CUP OF TEA! :)

The more things change...

The more they stay the same....and that's where I am now, staying the same.  I am momentarily feeling frustrated and discouraged, but the saner part of me will soon take over and commence with pep talks, etc.  But for now, I'm annoyed - no change on the scale from last week.  Argh.  Argh. Groan. Whine.  I know the biggest problem is coming back from vacation, no matter how small, and getting back into a routine.  I didn't track everything and I haven't walked all week.  I can come up with a 1,000 excuses but excuses won't get the job done - and you know what?  I know better.  Much better.  I've been here before.  I will say that one issue for me is counting calories - after years of WW's and thinking in points, it's been hard for me to adjust to calories.  The program that I use gives me 1,376 calories a day for a weight loss target of 1.5 lbs per week.  If I exercise, I can eat the calories burned if I want (sometimes I do, sometimes I don't).  Those calories go fast.   For example, one day last week I had my coffee (with real milk), a package of hostess 100 cal crumb cakes at about 9, cheerios with 1% milk at around 11:30, a tablespoon of pb on light wheat bread around 2 pm, and a package of hostess 100 calorie cup cakes at around 4:30 - eating every few hours keeps me from feeling hungry and it doesn't seem like it was alot - but, that was was almost half my calories for the day, leaving me with about 650 for dinner and night snacks (because I am a night snacker and need to leave some calories for that).   So, I need to think of my calories like a bank and think of ways to make smaller withdrawals (use less calories).  Of course, I do know that fruit and veggies would be less calories and more filling, but I'm still a work in progress there - I can't force myself to eat what I don't like, that would only make this whole process so much harder.  I can keep trying, though, and I will.

So much of weight loss is mental and can be such a head game.  But, I will say that I went out with some co-workers and one, who is a few years older than me, has been doing WW's and working out at the gym religiously - she looks AMAZING.  Everyone was complimenting her on how awesome she looked.  And you know what?  I am willing to admit that I am vain enough to want to be her - I want those commpliments and I want to feel proud of what I've accomplished.  And that is just one more thing that will keep me on this path - yes, good health is the real payoff, but a "wow, you look amazing" never hurts!!  :)

A little better..........

Well, I will say it wasn't my best eating week but also not the worst. I have been feeling miserable the last 2 days, (summer allergies, cold......who knows) so there was no walking. On the good side......I did lose weight this week. Eventhough my eating wasn't great I was watching portion control!!!! Lost 1.5 lbs, no the trick is to keep it off, lose a little more and not gain any back! Luckily my birthday is next Friday, so after I weigh myself I can indulge that day and get back on track on Saturday!!! I see a drink and cake in my future!!!! Well, I hope you all had good weeks as well!!!

Short but sweet....

Well, we are already home from vacation - so short, but so wonderful!  I did jump on the scale today and it says that I am up 2 lbs but I am not concerned - first, that time of the month decided to arrive yesterday (sorry, TMI for any guys reading this - but, hey, get 5 women together and this is what you are going to get!)  Second, I didn't really eat that off track and we walked our butts off - my steps since Thursday are:

Thursday         11,253    (3006 aerobic)
Friday             16,288    (5153 aerobic)
Saturday          18,512    (6398 aerobic)
Sunday            15.511    (6199 aerobic)
Monday           10,729    (4177 aerobic)

So, if anything, I am at least proud of all the walking we did!  I know the scale will work itself out by WI in on Friday.  I am not totally on track for my first goal and that does concern me a little bit, so I need to find a way to kick things up a notch.  Overall, though, vacation was what it should have been and I am good with that.  I think I might go to the track tonight to walk, if anyone wants to come along...  :)  Have a great day, make good choices and smile because you know you are in control and a month from now, will be celebrating how successful you've been!

purging....the closets.

Glad everyone has enjoyed their vacations. I wish we could keep Summer here a few weeks more. I totally love the warm weather & sunshine. Not looking forward to the colder weather, snow and being trapped in the house. (Yes that's the reason we're starting to think about making a move South)

This past week was a successful one for me. 2.8 lbs down. Hate dealing with the point whatever. So I just round it down. This makes my total so far 86 lbs.

I've promised myself that at 90 lbs I will once again purge my wardrobe. This time of all my size 26/28 shirts that now hang on me like a flag from a pole. Now I'm entering a situation though where I will not have very much to chose from. I've worn that size for so long that there isn't much else in the drawers. So my dear friends I ask that you not think I'm wearing the same smelly shirt over and over. I promise it will be clean, but I don't intend to go on a big shopping spree just yet. Not planning on staying in my now size 16 (ish) shirts for all that long. Size 16 was my goal for my b'day, but with some luck (and very hard work), I'll blow right by that size by then. Now if only my thighs & butt would get on board with this plan....LOL

~Karen

Vacation depression

Well back from vacation and depressed. Being in Florida where it is friggen hot and humid wasn't able to do as much walking as I would like.......so I am back to my weight that I started with! I also missed not being on the beach and getting tons of beach walks in!! I gained 3 lbs this vacation.......I ate, I drank, I snacked and I totally enjoyed myself until I got on the scale. So now back to the drawing board..........and start all over! Went to the supermarket yesterday and got healthier choices than I normally do, apple slices, fat free jello, pineapple and banana's for Mark and salad. Hoping to get more walking in and maybe I will actually get to the gym! I really want to get a bicycle and start riding that and then work myself up to riding it to work.....3 miles, I should! Going to get to the farmers market and buy some straw, blue and rasberry's and make some frostee's......not smoothies because I do not like yogurt, just berries and ice cubes!!! Well, looking forward to a better week next week!

Weigh in and adios...

Well, the weigh in for today was that I was down a pound.  I am happy with that but sometimes I feel like a turtle in the land of rabbits....I do know that in the end, the turtle going slow and steady does win the race.  I only get frustrated because I also know that the beginning is where you lose the the quickest - so, if I'm already losing slow, what will it be like a few months from now?  I'm happy, trust me - I'd rather see the scale move downward, no matter how much, then not at all - or...horrors...move up!  But, some people lose 5 lbs in a week - I can't seem to do it in three weeks!  But, being honest, I know that I also thwart my own progress - not tracking yesterday because I was so busy, not walking the past two days, etc.

But, moving onward and upward (well, in this case *downward*), we are leaving this afternoon for a few days at the beach.  I'm not worried about staying on course on vacation.  First, it's vacation - I'm not going to stress.  Second, I plan to be very active - swimming, walks on the beach, etc.    The worst part for me will be drinking - but, again, it is vacation and a drink or two is going to happen.  We'll see where the scale is Tuesday and go from there.  Fingers crossed for good weather and a fun time - we haven't been away since 2006 so we really need this.  My son is so excited he couldn't go to sleep last night!  :)   Also fingers crossed that my *girls* (our two labs) are okay - I hate leaving them home when we go away (yes, I'm *that* kind of dog mom!) but I know we have lots of people checking on them and they are truly happier here than in a kennel.

Okay, gotta run - I've had my 10 minute root touch up on for about 30 minutes now so lets hope my hair is not orange!  :)  Have a great weekend!!

Reality Check

Just looking in the mirror, or trying to squeeze into my jeans should have been a reality check. But, as you all know, it wasn't. There was excuse after excuse, and "good" reasons, and anything else you could think of for not taking care of myself. But all of those excuses have kept me at 260 lbs. for awhile. And none of them were worth it really.

But, I finally got my reality check. My doctor called to tell me that my blood work showed that I have high cholesterol. Now, this shouldn't really be a shock. Actually, it wasn't, really. I see what I eat everyday. I know what I do and don't do physically. So, I figured that it would be high. But hearing the actual words come out of her mouth struck something in me.

So I went out and walked today. I honestly didn't watch what I ate all that well. But I did something physical. It wasn't long and it wasn't far, but I did it. And that made me happy.

I also ordered the books to start the South Beach Diet. THAT made me very happy. Not only for the weight loss, and controlling the cholesterol, but because it's a start to something good. I have tried many others that have worked here and there, but nothing significant. My doctor had suggested this, since it is also a good diet for someone with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome).

I haven't been this excited, or happy (or tired, to be honest) in awhile. But guess what... This reality check was sooo worth it. :)

all eyes on you

Ok what do you do when you're going to a "party" type setting. Everyone knows you're on a diet and you know that when you sit down to eat all eyes are on you and what's on your plate and how much you're actually putting in your mouth. It really sucks!!!

I make the mistake every time of taking food and then only taking a bite out of it. I feel so bad for two reasons:

1. People see what's on my plate and assume that I AM actually going to eat all of it. Then they doubt my sincerity to this journey that I'm on (trying not to call it a diet anymore). Talk does have a way of getting back to you on what Great Aunt Lucy said about how much of her lasagna you piled on your plate....sigh

2. When I only eat a bite out of whatever is on my plate that isn't salad or something as good for me, I wind up throwing out good food...remember the "starving children in Southeast Asia" that our parents (and Baby in Dirty Dancing) always remind us of....sigh

So what is the right thing to do in this situation? Just take a tiny bit & then have people see you back on the food line again...nope, not the answer. Eat a tiny bit then raid the fridge when you get home...nope not the answer either. I hope to figure this out & soon....till then please keep your nose out of my dinner plate.... Please?

~Karen

The Anti-Jared: Self Hat..I mean Lovered.

I've mentioned before that I am a big fan of weight loss blogs and have read some from beginning to end when I've stumbled across them. This is one that I've always found inspiration in. I thought this post was excellent and reminded me of something I once heard that went something like this "would you ever talk to your best friend the way that you talk to yourself - the meaness, the insults, the harsh critical comments? The answer is probably no. So, why then is it okay for our "inner voice" to talk to ourselves like that?"

The Anti-Jared: Self Hat..I mean Lovered.: "Over the last two years , I have been called some mean names. Narcissistic, stupid, jerk, self-serving, rude, mean, bald, short, and yes, e..."

So, be proud of yourself and be kind to yourself - if you don't do it, who else will? :)

It's not the heat....

it's the damn humidity!!  I love summer, truly I do - but it has been so humid lately and that I can not take at all.  One of the pitfalls of my self-confessed scale obsession is that when it's humid out, it affects the scale (for me).  It's showing a loss from my official WI on Friday, but these past three days, it's been creeping up a tiny bit - though, I've been 100% on track and working out.  I know it has to do with retaining water (sorry, TMI....but, hey, that's life...) as I can just feel it...so, I'm going to try and up my water intake to see if that actually helps.  With the way my belly feels, I'm surprised I'm not looking at a 5 lb gain on the scale!   But, seeing the scale jump around, even if it's only in a less than half pound range, is annoying and frustrating.  But, this too shall pass.  Official WI, for better or worse, for me will be on Thursday this week as we'll heading to the beach Thursday afternoon and not coming back until Monday.  (woot!!!) 

Seriously, though, I am done with the humidity.  This has been one of the hottest summers on record and within the past couple of weeks, it hasn't rained at all.  What happened to those summer thunderstorms?    Okay, I'll take that back - while I would love some rain (as would my grass), we're leaving our girls (our black lab Molly and yellow lab Maggie - oh, and Bailey the cat) home with various pet sitters while we go away - knowing my luck it will thunderstorm while we are away, leaving them in the dark with no ac (happened to poor Molly once before!)  So, rain is good - just not while I am away and already worrying about them!

While I love summer, especially not working in the summer, I am excited for Fall to get here.  I love walking outside in the fall, going pumpkin and apple picking - with my asthma issues, it is so much easier to be active in the fall.  It is also easier for cooking purposes - my husband works outside in this heat so most days he does not want the stove on and has no desire to grill (I can't blame him).  So, while we do salads, we also eat out a lot which is always a risky situation. 

Well, I need to start getting things ready for our mini-vacation - and put my disappointment in the scale behind me and continue to look forward!  :)

Joining the "club"...

Thanks girls for letting me join the "club".

I'm now starting my 8th month of this diet. It's really, really hard. But I am determined to do this one day at a time. I know to think of exactly how long I'll realistically have to be on this diet will totally depress me, so if I can just get through today..or even this hour...I'm happy. Then on Monday when John & I "weigh in" I'm usually happy enough to go on for another week. I'm honestly in the middle of my journey. 83 1/2 LBS. down. I'd like another 80 to leave (preferably from my thighs...LOL).

Alot of short term goals have been met so far being able to buckle the car seat belt, not needing the seat belt extension on the airplane, being able to walk 3 miles without collapsing. All feel real great, but there are still many, many more goals that I can't wait to reach. Such as 100 LBS. by my birthday! And so.....I raise a rice cake to all of you that share my path!

~Karen

My love/hate relationship with the gym....

I have a love/hate relationship with the gym in our town – luckily, it’s about 80% love and 20% hate. I love that it’s cheap (woot!) and I love that it has tons of cardio equipment! I have never, ever had to wait for a treadmill, which is always a good thing, to me at least. I don’t love that at certain time’s it’s filled with 16 to 20 year old guys who are just there to show off or whatever. Like the guy who was on some machine I will never use in my life and kept slamming the weights down, causing the whole building to shake! (yeah, Mister, I’m talking about YOU!) I mean….really? But overall it’s a great, no frills place to get a workout in. I don’t get to go as often as I’d like, needless to say. During the month of July I could go in the mornings while my son was at summer enrichment and meet up with a friend or two (that’s the other blessing/curse of this gym – it’s still relatively new, it’s cheap and it’s in the center of town – so there are lots of people you know at times. So, sometimes it’s hard to accomplish all that you want to because there are people stopping by to chat…) Anyway, I digress….(which I do a lot…) My friends and I would hit the treadmills and chat and next thing you knew, an hour would be gone. But, after 4 weeks, summer enrichment is over and my son is home all day and not old enough to be left alone yet. My husband leaves for work at 6 am, and I’m just not that committed that I could get up at 5 am when I don’t have to. So, right now I manage to get there 2 to 3 times a week and the other days I walk outside either in the mornings or in the evenings – and I always aim to get 10,000 steps on my pedometer. Once my son goes back to school and I go back to work, I’ll figure out a new plan that will involve more gym time. But for right now, this is working. (there’s also swimming, playing with my son and some Wii Fit in there – as long as I move, every day!!)



Anyway, today is a quiet, lazy Sunday at our house, so I went to the gym. I do love Sunday afternoons there, as it’s pretty empty. I had been on the treadmill for about 20 minutes or so when I noticed a girl and two guys come in. I don’t usually try to watch others, and I am definitely not trying to be judgmental, but even with my iPod I get bored on the treadmill and I can’t help but people watch a little…. Now, all three of them were young and very large (which is another good thing about this gym – lots of different shapes and sizes, so you don’t feel out of place or uncomfortable). I noticed they had gone on the elliptical machines and after 5 minutes, the girl got off and went to the juice bar. They sell fruit smoothie type drinks I believe (I’ve never tried them) and they had jars of different powders so I’m assuming they were some kind of protein or health drinks. She proceeded to order one and sit down and drink it. I realize I don’t know her at all and I have no business judging her – but, it made me sad. You are in a gym – why are you sitting there drinking a smoothie rather than working out? I don’t know her story – maybe she’s never worked out and is taking it slow? Maybe she is recovering from something and can’t work out much? I don’t know and it’s not my business. After 15 minutes, the guys got off, she finished they all walked downstairs, which is where the serious weight lifting room is, as well as the ladies gym….oh…and the exit. I don’t want to assume that they left, but that’s what it seemed like. And it made me sad. When you are in a place where the stars and moons have aligned and you “get it”, you want everyone else to “get it” too. You want them to know that they CAN do it, they WILL do it and it’s really not so hard – it’s even fun to a certain point. And seeing results? Awesome – words can’t describe it. But those rewards come with the sweat that was pouring down me at the gym (yeah, I sweat a lot…it’s gross). It doesn’t come with 5 minutes on the elliptical and a fruit smoothie. If it did, everyone would be fit.

So, she made me sad. And reminded me that it takes hard work to get where you want to go. I hope that I see her at the gym again. I hope that she looks like a rock star. I just hope that she “gets it”.


To quote Jillian Michaels "Count your calories, work out when you can, and try to be good to yourself. All the rest is bulls**t."


And that ladies and gents, is exactly the plan!   :)

Trying to plan....

Today was a typical summer Saturday at our house...that means the pool, friends (or family), food and liquor. I had woken up to find a 1 lb loss on the scale from Friday, which was a nice surprise - and while it's not "official" and I know how we fluctuate from day to day, I still wanted to try to not blow it. Then, my hubby came home...with Dunkin' Donuts...

Yes, the glazed donut...how I love thee!!  But, I realized that part of long term/life long changes means either going without or figuring a way to work around it.  So, I had one glazed donut for 220 calories and more fat than I am comfortable with.  In a past life, I would have had 2....maybe even 3.  (True confession time - Laurie and I would stop at Dunkin Donuts sometimes after our WI in at WW's...how embarrassing!!)  So, I had one - I enjoyed it, and then....I went to the gym!  I wasn't going to let myself off the hook with just splurging on a donut - I had to work for it!  And the deal was that I had to burn off 300 calories, minimum, which I did.   I'm not trying to justify this as a way to eat crap for the rest of my life, or have a treat everyday....but just to say that sometimes, it's okay to give in....but it's never okay to just give up.  So, instead of saying "look, they're here, I'm here...it was meant to be...!!", I had a treat, I worked out and life moved on.  Maybe someday I will be that person that never touches sweets, refined sugar, etc., ever again - but, it's not today.  It's baby steps around here, all the way.  Some day Laurie, Kate and I will have to go into the kind of food we grew up on and how picky we are as eaters (well, not Kate as much...)

After the work out, and some house cleaning, I wanted a "real" breakfast so I had my usual cheerios and 1% milk (I love Cheerios, I have to admit...).  Lunch was a tablespoon of peanut butter on whole wheat bread.  For the evening, we were having friends over and on the menu were the usual hot dogs and hamburgers, but also grilled chicken, fresh corn and baked potatoes.  I made some good choices, I made some iffy choices.  Again, it was still a long way from what I would have done a month ago - and once I was done, I was done - there was no late night snacking tonight.  (which is a huge victory for me - I am a HUGE late night snacker).  Normally, I save some calories for the night snack, and keep it smaller than it used to be.  But, tonight was the first time where I said "I know I'm full, that's enough".  I didn't want to eat *just to eat* when I know I probably went over my calorie intake for today.  Because I ate a large meal, which I haven't been doing lately, with a lot of sodium in it, I know the scale may be ugly in the morning.  But, I also know it's just temporary...it's not a white flag saying "I can't do this"....it's a chance to say "today is a new day, what better choices can I make?"  Like taking the leftover grilled chicken and throwing it over some veggies or a salad....  :)  Bottom line is that it is what it is...and we had a great day!   I wish I could be an all or nothing kind of person, but it's not who I am....life is too short to not have the occasional glazed donut.... as long as you can find balance.

And right now, for me, balance = sleep!!

Time to go......

Ok girls, going away and I will do my best to be good. I had a .5 gain this week and hope to see it go back down and not go up! I will be doing a lot more walking, so that is a plus and will try to make good choices in eating........will post my weight when I get back! Have a good week!!!

A good day....

Yesterday was a really good day - I wish I could always be so on track. Breakfast was a 100 cal Hostess coffee cake early in the morning, with Cheerios and 1% milk later in the day. Lunch was 2 slices of light wheat with 2 slices of kraft 2% cheese melted on them. Snacks included apple slices and a sugar free jello (with cool whip). Dinner was sooooo good - we had a garlic ceasar salad with the Perdue shortcuts honey roasted chicken on top, plus a garlic breadstick. I don't really use salad dressing so the whole meal was 370 calories yet it was filling and so good. For dessert we went to Dairy Queen and I was able to have a small chocolate cone with rainbow sprinkles, then a small 100 cal pack of Doritos later that night. I ended the day 30 calories under target yet I was satisfied and not feeling deprived.

So, if I know I can have such a good day, why is it so hard to do that every day? The only negative was no exercise but its been so humid that I haven't been motivated - though, I'm still trying to get my 10,000 steps in. All in all, add in the exercise and more water and this is what I hope to accomplish every day. I know I can do it, but it's getting your head into the "I will do it" thinking that's harder. One day at a time, though....

I'm a junkie....

Well, a scale junkie that is! I weigh myself every day - I truly know better, but I do it anyway. I am the queen of research - if there is something I am interested in, or affects my life, then I throw myself into finding out all there is to know. So, I've read "Why the Scale Lies" I know the scale fluctuates all the time, for various reasons. But, my morning starts with a jump on the scale. The only time I don't do it is when I've given up or don't care anymore. Since Friday, the scale has been up and down - higher than my WI on Friday, or just a little lower. Yesterday was a bad day - I had horrible allergies all day so barely moved off the couch. My solution was to graze....all.day.long. Stupid, I know. Counterproductive, I know. But, it was comforting and made me feel better. I know I went way off track - though, not horribly as most things were my normal low-fat/low-calories stuff, and cereal ended up being my dinner...but there was chocolate in there too. So, imagine my shock when I get on the scale today and it's .8 lower than the day before. It makes me crazy! So, even if I'm on track all day today, will the scale move back up tomorrow? Who knows, but it makes me crazy....because it makes no sense! I know I should be looking at the bigger picture and only be concerned with my week, not a day, and with my Friday weigh in, not what the scale says everyday. But, I torture myself with this crap. I have both an iPhone app and a spreadsheet where I track my daily weight - why? I think when it's on a downward trend, it keeps me motivated. But, when it's moving upward, or bouncing all over, it makes me depressed. So, why do I do it? All I need to focus on is today - just for today, I need to stay on track. Just for today, I need to drink my water. And just for today, I need to think about the bigger picture.

Being so oddly anal, I do have a record of my lowest weights over the past 8 years from my many attempts at WW's and these are my mini-milestones that I would like to get to. The first one is only 5 lbs away - totally do-able, right? Here they are -

178.8 on 9/25/05
176.8 on 12/31/06
174.8 on 4/19/06
174.2 on 5/29/05
169.8 on 2/6/05 (will move to "overweight" bmi)
166.4 on 9/19/04
162.2 on 7/4/04
150.8 on 1/28/03

(For the record, this is only WW's weights - I did get down to 160 in 2008 on my own - so I have seen most of those numbers since the dates listed above. But, again, I'm just using my 8 ww's books for this).

Oh - and edited to add....my lowest weight in 2010 has only been 180.8, so, I'm hoping to beat that number by the end of the month. Seriously, enough with the 180's...kicking you to the curb for good! :)

I need to set up little rewards for myself along the way (even though some of them are only 2lbs away from each other). What are your little goals going to be and how will you reward yourself? (obviously, better health and lower weight is a reward in itself, but it's fun to have a prize to keep your eye on! :)

The hardest part of the day.........

is Monday through Friday from 7:30am to 3:30pm.......all I want to do is eat, eat and eat some more (not s'mores......but they do sound good!)! Today I had cereal for breakfast, 2 - 100 cal snack pack, box of raisins, pasta salad for lunch and 1 hard boiled egg w/no yolk.......and I am starving! I am busy during this time but all I want to do is eat and think about eating! This drives me insane. So I eat something little thinking it will go away but it doesn't. I wish there was a magic pill to make this go away but there isn't. Luckily when I went to 7-11 I didn't buy anything bad because I would be digging into that now......also Pauline was with me and I knew better becuase she would take it away. The plus side is that we did 1 lap at Votee in 22 minutes and I have 2711 aerobic steps today.....good for me. Working inventory later so I know I will not get a walk in! So I guess I will have a mint, sucker or lollipop and get back to work and try not to think about food. I have some watermelon and will try to wait till 3 pm to have that!!! Good luck to me!!!!

The three hardest words to say...

No, not the three words you might be thinking of....nothing as mushy and sweet as "I love you". For me, the 3 hardest words to say are "No, thank you". I think part of it is that I'm a "people pleaser" - I like to see everyone happy and if saying yes to something I know I should have makes someone happy, I'll do it. I also think part of it is not accepting the reality of being overweight (technically, obese - but I can't wrap my head around that). I don't "feel" obese, if that makes sense - I know I have tons of clothes I can't wear, some that I felt I totally rocked 20 lbs ago...but, I still think I have this disconnect from reality. So, it's hard to say no to something when you don't fully grasp how much work there is to do. I mean, I see the numbers - I'm a huge numbers person so I have iPhone apps, graphs, charts....you name it. I have goals and projections, fully aware of when I should hit goals and milestones...yetI still have a hard time accepting that this is my reality. My husband is naturally thin and a part of me that "forgets" I can't keep up with him - and sometimes, I just need to say "no, thank you" when it comes to something he can have/do that I shouldn't/can't. For example, on Saturday, after a long hike/walk, we went to Ben & Jerry's - I had every intention of getting yogurt (at least it was better than ice cream) but when Mike ordered me the regular ice cream, I didn't speak up. Then the woman said "two scoops, right" and I should have said "No, thank you - one is fine)....but, I didn't. I knew I was consuming 400+ calories of ice cream but I couldn't speak those words. (for the record, I only went over for the day by 68 calories! :) I guess I feel like saying "no, thank you" is like wearing a scarlet letter that says "watch out, she's obese - do not feed her!!" Yes, I have many, many issues which is why I'm still in the shape that I am in. But, I'm becoming more aware and I'm ready to start finding my voice...it's a painful journey at times, though.